Throughout my teens, I wanted to be a comic book artist. I built my skills from crappy Spider-Man drawings, to goofy manga sketches, to detailed pieces of art.

In college, I couldn’t figure out what I wanted in life. Illustration was impractical and was suggested it wasn’t a real path. I was encouraged to focus on the things that make money: coding, computer sciences, and technology. I didn’t care much for it.

After college, I worked a myriad of office jobs while doing some writing and sketching on the side. But I felt like I was hitting a dead end in all aspects. I simply couldn’t afford to be an artist and I was nowhere skilled or motivated enough to sell my own art.

I chose the Navy out of despiration, feeling that structure and discipline would help ease me out of that rut in my life.

During those six years, I struggled immensily and fell into a deep depression. I began writing, but that was discouraged by superiors. I enjoyed fixing stuff, but I didn’t quite mesh with the rest of the crowd. Drawing was difficult on a boat, and I was never afforded the luxury of privacy throughout my three deployments.

Each attempt I get back into art, I make excuses why I shouldn’t: too much of a time commitment, too expensive (art supplies and computer hardware), and a lack of direction in what subject I should draw.

The last six months I’ve been working at my new job which I enjoy a lot. I get to fix things and make creative solutions to complex problems by looking at things in a different angle. Yet at the end of the day I go home, bored…feeling like I should do something more than play video games.

Yet sometimes I feel like I almost if I enjoy more the “idea” of what a perfect game would be. I imagine fascinating characters, interesting settings, and stunning backdrops. I look at Assassin’s Creed or Disney Infinity…not because I truley believe the gameplay will win me over (it usually doesn’t), but because I’m simply fascinated by the character designs. I think “Wow, it would be cool to illustrate a cool action pic of Evie Frie from Assassin’s Creed!” or “I love seeing Marvel/Star Wars characters drawn the Disney style, I would love to emulate that”. It could be the shittiest game in the world, but if the characters and setting looks awesome, I’ll probably play it.

Lately at work, we’ve been streaming Bob Ross on Twitch along with some other talented artists. Watching some of these artists reminds me not only of what I once was, but what I still can be: an artist. Money and hardware isn’t a problem anymore…it’s myself. It’s the fear that I’m simply fooling myself on a dream that isn’t feasible at my age…that I’ll never make something that people would like…that it’s just a stupid hobby.

And that’s what scares me the most.

Looking forward to 2015.

There hasn’t been much content posted in the last month. I’ve been doing a lot of planning in my personal world which has taken precedence. Fortunately, I’m on vacation for the next few days so it’ll give me some time to catch up on the blogging. Of course, with so many mediums it’s always hard to pick just one.

I’ve split up things between Facebook for the really personal stuff, Twitter for the random thoughts, Instagram for the random Gunpla/box opening stuff, and Tumblr for reposting goofy images. That leaves WordPress for the bigger stuff: Life updates, tutorials, etc…stuff that won’t fit in anything else as a “One Size Fits All” blogging solution simply isn’t going to work…at least right now :P.

So what have I been up to the last few weeks? Finished my Zaku II remodel/repaint, working on decals for the Deathscythe Hell, finished my LEGO Ghostbusters kit…photos of course will be posted in due time.

Game-wise, I’ve been playing a lot on the 3DS/Wii U. I’m catching up with Pokemon Y, played a bunch of Smash Bros and Mario Kart 8, bought a few Amiibos, and played some of the original Bayonetta on the Wii U.

On the Sony side I played the crap out of Hatsune Miku: Project Diva F and F 2nd on the Vita, and trying to catch up to my original progress on the PS4 version of GTAV. I’m also playing a little bit of Samurai Warriors 4 on the side, but for the most part I’m trying to stick to one game per console.

On the iPad side? Not much. Despite my thoughts back in November about console versus mobile gaming, I realize it’s actually quite hard to justify spending 60+ hours playing Baldur’s Gate on a tablet when I have Dragon Age: Inquisition just sitting there collecting dust. For the most part I’m sticking to small quick games like Terra Battle, Threes, Pocket Planes, and Boom Beach. On the other hand the tablet has been great for watching shows and movies, and reading comics and novels.

I doubt I’ll ever get through my backlog of games though. I still want to eventually get through Senran Kagura, Dragon Age, Danganronpa, Akiba’s Trip, Bravely Default, and Hyperdimension Neptunia Rebirth 1, along with many games expected to roll out over the next few months. I ended up subscribing using Gamefly for that reason…to play some of these games and “try” them out to see if they are worth the hype.

In other news? Been using Spotify…a lot lately. I’m finding many of the artist-created playlists a breath of fresh air from the random computer-generated music made from Pandora or iTunes Radio. Also ordered a nice set of Audio Technica headphones with my Christmas money. Lastly, put another 1 year subscription to iKnow! Japanese…it’s been really helpful build up my vocabulary, although I’ve been slacking a bit due to the holidays and work.

So that’s that. 2014 was a decent year, but 2015 will be huge. I’ll be leaving the military this year and going back into the civilian world. While I’ll undoubtedly be pursing a stable career, I’ll also need to make some considerations with writing and illustration, given that it’s not necessarily something I have flexibility with in the military life. At the moment, I am just keeping most of my stuff contained in various Moleskine notebooks and I’m still making wind on how I want to branch out other than the typical blogging stuff.

The biggest thing perhaps, is inspiration and dedication. It’s hard to justify branching out with writing when I have spent so little time reading. So I’ve come up with a list of books I want to read over the next year, and this month I’m starting with Taiko from Eiji Yoshikawa.

Anyways, like usual, I’ll try to post updates when possible.